A Roast of the 2025 NYC Mayoral Primary

The race for the most powerful municipal office in America has become an all-out shit show.

Early voting is underway in NYC and this mayor’s race is proving to be a chaotic, high-stakes clusterfuck on the Democratic establishment, the housing apocalypse, and the cost of living in the world’s most expensive city.

The race has become a showdown between disgraced handsy nepo baby pandemic daddy former governor Andrew Cuomo and charismatic socialist heartthrob (and other nepo baby) Zohran Mamdani.

And then there’s Brad Lander, a nice jewish dad, stuck in a distant third place. He’s the current city comptroller, a nerdy policy wonk with the vibe of a guy who’s read every page of the city budget and enjoys it.

There’s 8 other candidates on the ballot, too, but only the top 3 stand a real chance.

Cuomo has held a steady lead in most polls, though, Mamdani has something Cuomo doesn’t: horny Gen Z canvassers, viral Instagram Reels that slap, and an actual base that’s FIRED UP.

From the @hotgirls4zohran instagram page

This race is absolutely unhinged. we’re headed straight for a ranked-choice election so convoluted it could end with Zohran Mamdani in Gracie Mansion even if he loses the primary.

Here’s how New York could get its first socialist mayor (with insights via Olivia Reingold at The Free Press)

• Scenario 1: Zohran wins the primary by sneaking up the ranked-choice ladder while everyone else eats each other alive. Only 26.5% of voters turned out for the 2021 mayoral primary. Mamdani’s base is young and EXTREMELY online. These kids will crawl through broken glass if it means free buses and cheaper rent. And they’re following orders: “Don’t. Rank. Cuomo.”

• Scenario 2: Cuomo wins the primary, but Zohran runs on the Working Families Party line and still wins the general when Eric Adams (running as an independent) and Cuomo + Republican Curtis Sliwa split the “please not the socialist” vote.

Whoever wins this clown car derby is gonna have the keys to a $100 billion city budget, a housing crisis, and more rats than people. So yeah. It’s worth paying attention, even if you don’t live in New York.

Here’s where things stand, via the Peter Fox Polling Summary™

• Cuomo — Toxic ex, but experienced AF. Might win. Definitely needs therapy.

• Mamdani — Sexy socialist cult leader. Could win. Condemned by the literal Holocaust Museum.

• Lander — Boring Budget daddy. The least offensive person running. Could be the surprise upset winner of ranked-choice voting.

• Adams — Church aunt energy. Qualified grown-up who is getting drowned out.

• Stringer — qualified, tired, policy king with a questionable MeToo allegation.

• Myrie — The one guy everyone respects, but not enough to be mayor. Young with bright future.

• Ramos — Public meltdown in progress. Still on the ballot. No idea why.

• Tilson — Sweet, rich dad. Running for Mayor of LinkedIn.

Who’s Voting for Who? 👵🙋🏾‍♀️👶🙋‍♀️✡️🗳️

According to an Emerson Poll, Cuomo is polling best with Black voters (74%), women (58%), and voters over 50 (66%)—aka Boomers who are traumatized by the ‘80s, still use an AOL email address, and are most likely to vote in a primary.

Mamdani, on the other hand, owns the under-50 white progressive vote (61%)—the oat milk latte, queer-normcore, tax-the-rich crowd whose political education came entirely from carousel posts on Instagram.

As of last week, he’s beating Andrew Cuomo in a major new poll, leading 35% to Cuomo’s 31%. That’s not just a fluke. He has momentum and could absolutely win.

And the Jewish vote? It’s a scattered mess. Mamdani’s Free Palestine, arrest Bibi vibe is not exactly resonating in synagogue basements across Flatbush. Cuomo, despite everything, is pulling 31% of the Jewish vote—mostly from older, more conservative Jews—but with 37% of Orthodox voters still undecided and Mamdani polling at an ice-cold 0% with them, there’s room to move the needle.

In a twist that would’ve seemed unimaginable a few years ago, 25 Hasidic sects in Borough Park threw their support behind City Council Speaker Adrienne Adams—yes, a Black woman from southeast Queens who’s become the unlikely standard-bearer for an Orthodox political movement that once leaned heavily toward Cuomo. Also, two major Hasidic groups — one in Williamsburg and one in Borough Park — have thrown their support behind Zellnor Myrie, a state senator from Crown Heights born to Costa Rican parents. The 38-year-old Myrie isn’t exactly a household name citywide, but he’s quietly building relationships in Orthodox communities by focusing on hyper-local issues of affordable housing, education, taxes, and public safety.

It's a literal circus. no really. One candidate, Paperboy Love Prince, is running in full Joker face paint. It’s part performance art, part political protest, and 100% the most unhinged way to cast your ballot.

I won’t tell you who to vote for — I’m not your mother.

But please choose wisely.

Here’s a basic-ass summary of the top candidates.

Cuomo 2.0: The Comeback No One Asked For But Might Actually Happen

Andrew Cuomo is back like your toxic ex who suddenly says he’s changed. He hasn’t. But maybe that’s not terrible. For all his sins, Cuomo got remarkable shit done.

• Passed Marriage Equality in NY (2011)
  Cuomo aggressively pushed through one of the first state-level same-sex marriage laws—before national support crossed 50%. When most Democrats were still “evolving,” he rallied bipartisan support and treated it like a legacy-defining civil rights issue.

• Gun Control: SAFE Act (2013)
  Enacted one of the strictest gun laws in the country after Sandy Hook—banning assault weapons, requiring mental health reporting, and expanding background checks

• Infrastructure & Economic Projects
  Oversaw completion of the Mario Cuomo Bridge, LaGuardia Airport’s overhaul, and the Moynihan Train Hall. You have to admit: he knows how to pour concrete and cut a ribbon.

• #MeToo Laws (2019)
  This one’s rich: Cuomo signed landmark laws strengthening protections for sexual harassment victims and extending the statute of limitations on rape cases.
  Irony alert: these very laws helped fuel his eventual political undoing.

Cuomo is, by every credible account, a world-class bully and a nightmare boss. Yes, Andrew Cuomo is a known asshole. But he’s also a known leader, which is why he’s still expected to squeak through a victory.

Zohran Mamdani: The Socialist Zaddy Who Might Actually Run This City

Zohran Mamdaddy— I mean Mamdani— is the socialist hunky zaddy who like it or not, is running the best campaign. To some, he’s a political visionary. To others, he’s a walking red flag who could wreak havoc on this city. But no one can say he’s boring. He has more energy than the rest of the field combined

The 33-year-old is winning the internet. Well, except for the Jewish internet where literally every major Jewish organization, including the LITERAL HOLOCAUST MUSEUM, denounced his remarks the other day for comparing “globalize the intifada” to the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising.

Even aside from his antisemitic bullshit, there’s no reason to believe he’s up for this job when he barely does his current one. He’s the only NY assemblymember who’s skipped over half of Albany’s roll-call votes this year—a stunning 231 absences, the most of anyone. If he’s not doing his literal job, WTF is he doing? Oh yeah, making social content.

Also, his actual policy proposals are pie-in-the-sky fantasies.

His platform includes free grocery stores and buses (the latter the governor controls fyi) paid by taxing millionaires, $30/hour minimum wage, rent freezes, and a whole lot of anti-Israel stuff, including an order to arrest Netanyahu on sight if he ever enters Times Square. You know—municipal stuff.

The son of Columbia anti-colonial studies professor Mahmood Mamdani and award-winning director Mira Nair, Zohran grew up on Riverside Drive but insists he’s a man of the people.

His campaign feels like Obama 2008 Hope™ energy but unlike Fox News claimed then, this one is actually socialist.

"He’s so pretty,” one voter told The Free Press.
“He’s dangerous,” said another.
“He’s both,” said me, writing this.

He’s quickly won over the obsessive devotion of the extremely online Left where he is practically worshiped.

Why Most Jews will not rank Zohran (an incomplete list)

• He refused to Co-Sponsor a Holocaust Remembrance Resolution: In 2024, he was one of only a handful of lawmakers who refused to back a symbolic bill honoring Holocaust victims. The resolution passed nearly unanimously.

• Supports academic boycotts of Israeli institutions: he called for Cornell Tech to cut ties with Israel’s Technion. Because what New York City really needs is fewer partnerships with world-class science institutions. Sure.

• He sponsors legislation that threatens Jewish nonprofits. His support for the “Not on Our Dime” bill would open up Jewish charities—like UJA-Federation or Magen David Adom—to criminal investigation if they so much as fund humanitarian work involving Israeli security. That’s right: donate to an ambulance in Tel Aviv, and you might be under state review.

• He shows up to rallies with Hamas-adjacent groups. Mamdani has marched with “Within Our Lifetime,” a group with open support for terrorism and slogans like “Globalize the Intifada.” When asked, Mamdani clarified that intifada just means “uprising.” Right. And a Molotov cocktail is just a warm, festive drink.

• He refuses to recognize Israel as a Jewish state. In a now-viral debate moment, Mamdani said Israel should exist—as a state with equal rights, which of course it already is. But when you build your whole platform on slogans over substance, that distinction doesn’t matter. Nuance is hard when you’re building your brand off a single conflict you have no connection to.

• Denounced by the literal Holocaust museum: On The Bulwark podcast this week, Mamdani defended the chant “Globalize the Intifada,” brushing it off as simply Arabic for “uprising,” and likening it to how museums translate the Warsaw Ghetto uprising in Arabic. The historical distortion was so obscene that the literal Holocaust Museum, along with every major Jewish nonprofit publicly condemned his remarks. When virtually every Jew agrees you’ve crossed a line—a feat in itself— you probably have.

Brad Lander: The Human Spreadsheet

For the anyone-but-Cuomo crowd, Brad Lander has become the #1 for a solid chunk of younger Jews and the #2 for everyone who morally objects to voting for a credibly accused harasser but who also don’t want a full-blown anti-Israel socialist either. He’s perhaps the most popular #2 through #5 choice on many ballots, which, in a ranked-choice election, could end up mattering a lot.

The nerdy policy wonk is self-aware of his lack of charisma. To be fair, though, Brad’s whole brand is being boring on purpose. He’s a bureaucratic beige crayon in a box of neon ideologues.

He’s a coalition builder you could actually imagine uniting a room full of developers, activists, Orthodox Jews, and drag queens. And that’s just Brooklyn Heights

Lander is also a card-carrying member of the Democratic Socialists of America (DSA), but unlike others in that orbit, he generally plays well with the establishment.

Still, moderates have raised eyebrows over his cross-endorsement with Zohran Mamdani and his friendly ties to the far left.

Lander and Mamdani are going on Stephen Colbert’s LATE SHOW tonight

That said, those who’ve worked with him over his decades-long career vouch for his integrity, calling him a principled consensus-builder and a mayor for everyone. It’s largely why he earned the endorsement of the New York Times Opinion panel.

He also made headlines this week after getting arrested by ICE agents at an immigration courthouse. Video shows him calmly demanding a judicial warrant and physically refusing to let go of a migrant before federal officers pulled him away in cuffs. His campaign insists it wasn’t a stunt.

Why Brad Might Actually Be the Guy:

• He’s Qualified!
  Currently NYC Comptroller, formerly a City Council member for over a decade. Has actually written laws, passed budgets, and understands things like fiscal oversight and infrastructure maintenance. Hot stuff.

• Won Comptroller Running on Transparency
  Actually made good on it. His office publishes readable data about where your taxes go and how the city spends money. Sexy? No. Responsible? Deeply.

• Coalition Builder
  One of the few progressives who hasn't burned every bridge on the way to internet clout. You could actually imagine him uniting a room full of developers, activists, Orthodox Jews, and drag queens. And that’s just Brooklyn Heights.

• Hot Dog Content
  Seriously, if you haven’t seen it: Brad Lander eating a hot dog while riding the Cyclone is either brilliant anti-charisma or comedy genius. Either way, the man commits to the bit.

Scott Stringer: The Ghost of Mayors Past

The guy your mother wanted you to vote for—ten years ago. Former comptroller with solid housing policy, a little #MeToo baggage, and a big Upper West Side base. Unfortunately, the city moved on without him.

Scott Stringer is the nice Jewish boy turned public finance wonk who’s been running for something since dial-up internet was a thing. Former City Comptroller, Manhattan Borough President, and the guy your mom always thought was “respectable.” He’s got real policy chops—especially on housing—but somehow still feels like the political version of a landline: sturdy, familiar, and mostly ignored in 2025.

He ran for mayor in 2021 with progressive cred and institutional backing, until a sexual harassment allegation from a former campaign volunteer in the 2000s tanked his chances.

Pros:

• Housing Policy OG
  One of the earliest proponents of social housing and community land trusts. Actually read zoning maps for fun.

• Budget Veteran
  Served as NYC Comptroller (2014–2021). Knows how to track money, identify waste, and scream “fiscal responsibility” in PowerPoint form.

• Environmental & Ethical Governance
  Pushed for fossil fuel divestment, gender parity in city contracts, and ESG accountability before it was trending on LinkedIn.

• Experienced AF
  More years in New York politics than some of his rivals have been alive.

Verdict: Scott Stringer is a qualified, policy-savvy grown-up with a legitimate record—and baggage. If the city wants calm competence, he’s a contender. If it wants fireworks, he’s background noise.

Zellnor Myrie: The One Guy No One Hates, (the better ZM in this race)

Zellnor Myrie is a state senator with a legislative record thicker than your bubbe’s brisket.

He doesn’t give “main character” energy, which is great for running a city, but not great for the political Olympics we call NYC. If this were SNL, he’d 100% be played by Kenan

Everyone says they respect Zellnor. But sadly, respect doesn’t win elections.

He’s the anti-ego candidate. Soft-spoken, well-prepared, competent. The kind of guy who brings his own pens to the meeting, gives thoughtful hugs, and responds to criticism with “That’s fair.” He’s quietly building a strong resume for future runs.

And yet... he's polling in sixth. Sixth! Because being good at your job and not tweeting through it isn’t sexy in this city. But maybe it should be.

The man has never gone viral for calling someone a fascist or causing a scandal. So, what is he even doing in Albany? Oh right—his job.

What Zellnor Has Going For Him:

• He’s Actually Passed Real Laws
  Over 60 bills and counting, including the Clean Slate Act, the John R. Lewis Voting Rights Act, and legislation creating an Office of Gun Violence Prevention. The man is out here legislating while his opponents are filming TikToks on the F train.

• Housing Is His Whole Personality
  Wants to build one million homes. Yes, one million. Even supports replacing community gardens with affordable units when needed. Urbanist Twitter, start your engines.

• Son of Immigrants, Raised on Rent Stabilization
  He’s lived the classic NYC immigrant story. He’s not pretending to understand the struggle—he’s lived the struggle. His mom ran a daycare. His dad worked in a factory and became a teacher. He is literally the American Dream.

• Actually Evolved a Bit Politically
  He admits he used to think business was evil. Now he’s like: wait, no, we need tax revenue or we’re screwed. Growth!

Adrienne Adams: The Adult in the Room Nobody’s Listening To

Adrienne Adams is the Speaker of the New York City Council, a mom of four, a Queens native, and—oh yeah—the only Black woman to ever hold that position. While the rest of the mayoral field is out here trying to burn the city down with viral clips, Adrienne is balancing a $115 billion budget and reminding people that governance actually matters.

She’s not here for drama. She’s here for grown-up shit.

But in a race dominated by men with mess and memes, that’s not enough.

Verdict: Adrienne Adams is the competent, drama-free grown-up the city keeps claiming it wants—until it gets distracted by someone shinier. If she has a breakout moment, she’s in. If not, she’ll go down as the right choice at the wrong time.

There’s other candidates running too, but these are the only real ones making noise. If you live in NYC, PLEASE vote if you haven’t already. Do not put this off. This is ELECTION DAY not LAUNDRY DAY. You really don’t want to forget about it. Early voting continues until sunday and then Tuesday is the primary day.

Regardless of who you vote for tho, the important thing is to subscribe to my substack. Most of It’s free!